my vag is so smooth its legendary
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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