so that wasnt chicken after all
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
