I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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