I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
