I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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