Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He? As in you personified your dick?
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