if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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