A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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