im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
