my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
