Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
