it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
