Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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