You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
