I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
