our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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