i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
