I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
