I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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