Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
