When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
