I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
