Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
