I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
