that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
