I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
