I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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