I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
