Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
