I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just threw up on my dentist
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
