I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Randomize
