we're chasing vodka with high fives
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And he claims I gave him âfuck meâ eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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