my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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