..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
