Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
