When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
