my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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