My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
