best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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