Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
