He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
