I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
