yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found a bag of teeth...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
