quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you told grandpa to call you daddy
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
