haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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