apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
