Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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