This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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