When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
