I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
