How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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